Chapter 1: “You Are Here — Santa Monica, California -- May, 2002”

Quietly the ocean calms me. Tempers my racing mind. The sun cuts through the smog and begins to warm my face and hands. "This is why I am here." I softly utter. "Onward." I whisper. As if the seabird perched on the rolling wave ten feet to my right worried at all about my reassurances. Southern California would be just "another stop", a small promise to myself. Holistically it wouldn't matter. 

What mattered was her.  I am pinning this exact moment as the time I realized I want to be protected from a life of not following your heart -- of always having one foot out the door when it came to a woman's unconditional trust and love. 

My "reassurances" remind me of a Jason Isbell lyric --- "A heart on the run, keeps a hand on a gun, it can't trust anyone." 

I knew then, that Kaitlyn should be my woman, and I would begin to commit --- if we ever see each other again. 

"This is why I'm here." Once again I quietly say as the seabird glances poignantly in my direction.

I paddled out far enough from shore to be comfortably alone. I would wade in the water until my thoughts stacked up, felt right at 6:30AM. Although, honestly, all I really wanted was a rich and smooth cup of coffee from Cora's on Ocean Ave. Twenty more minutes and I'll paddle in, or maybe I'll actually ride this short board to shore instead. Doubtful. 

I strolled in to Cora's at precisely 7:00AM (my norm). "Good morning Bryce", said Carmen. A Columbian beauty --- her long body and straight black hair intoxicates me and she is dressed down in tan chinos and a white, v-neck tee. We chat every morning. "How were the waves"? Her question seemed to catch me off guard. And, she noticed that hiccup. I nodded and said, "They were there, I was not". "Yes", she said. Smiled, then "Drifting were we?" 

If she only knew. 

Breakfast at Cora's is, as always, fantastic -- today -- the orange pancakes were my fuel for the day.

For her part, Carmen and I had recent history -- I adored her integrity, smarts, beauty and company; but that was all. And, she knew that. However, she never shows me that it bothers her -- she is in her last days of med school and I too was only a "stop" for her -- like me and SoCal. 

My last thought cut off by Carmen, "See you for drinks tonight...my place?" "Always", I said. 

Onward.
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